We Demand Parsley Transcript
SFX: A tape inserted into a deck, and the play button pressed RECAP FAENDYR You're gonna eat us? FAERIE 2 Oh no! Not the both of you FAERIE 1 Just you elf. FAERIE 2 We're bored with human. FAENDYR Fantastic. BARD Welcome dear listeners, to the Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root! Theme music SCENE 1. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK. A pastoral village. Rooster, goats and other farm animals. Fittingly, a bubbling brook nearby. CAMILLA I must say that's the first time in my life I've actually been glad to see a tavern... Sir Gilbert? Master Faendyr? Bard, where did they go? BARD I believe they may have been abducted by fairies. CAMILLA Keep your job as a bard, you make a poor jester. BARD I'm not in jest. CAMILLA Well, I think you're an unreliable narrator. (calling:) Sir Gilbert! Master Faendyr! I demand you show yourselves! Footsteps in the grass as the Head Villager approaches HEAD VILLAGER (from further away) Hullo there! Welcome to Rippling Brook! CAMILLA Finally, a welcoming party. HEAD VILLAGER What brings you to our humble village? CAMILLA You're not bowing. HEAD VILLAGER I'm sorry? CAMILLA Don't you know who I am? HEAD VILLAGER Should I? BARD Uh, duh. HEAD VILLAGER Oh. I... well, clearly by her dress she is someone of great wealth...? The Bard STRUMS THE LUTE BARD (singing) She's the crown princess... Crown Princess of Kirkland--'' CAMILLA Yes yes. That's quite enough. HEAD VILLAGER Oh, my apologies, your majesty! CAMILLA You are forgiven. HEAD VILLAGER We don't normally get you royal-types around here. Truth be told, we don't get much of anyone. CAMILLA Yes, I can see why. Who is in charge here? HEAD VILLAGER In charge? CAMILLA What noble lord commands your village? HEAD VILLAGER Well, we're vassals of Lord Peerless-- BARD Mmm, Peerless. CAMILLA Ugh. Peerless. BARD They're engaged. HEAD VILLAGER You're a lucky woman. He is the most eligible bachelor in the kingdom. And rather handsome too. CAMILLA His face is... symmetrical enough, I suppose. I find him intolerable. BARD Young love. Beautiful. HEAD VILLAGER But while we are his vassals, Lord Peerless lets us manage the village ourselves. CAMILLA Of course he does. HEAD VILLAGER We choose one of our own in bi-yearly elections to decide who will represent the village in any political matters, and we vote on any major projects for the village. CAMILLA No wonder nothing gets done. Well! I am crown princess and future queen. I now declare you my vassals. HEAD VILLAGER You can't do that... can you? CAMILLA Call a hearing or whatever it is you do, I must speak to the village. HEAD VILLAGER I... very well. ''The head villager starts to WALK AWAY CAMILLA Uh uh... don't turn your back to me. HEAD VILLAGER Excuse me? CAMILLA It's very rude to turn your back to the Crown Princess. Walk backwards. HEAD VILLAGER Yes, your majesty. He awkardly walks away BARD Forgive my boldness, Princess, but what in the infernal plane are you doing? CAMILLA My so-called companions think they can abandon me. My father thinks I'm not ready for leadership. Well, I'll show them all that I am more than capable on my own. You know, this is fun! I'm so glad I left the castle. SFX: Hapsicord transition SCENE 2. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM. A door slams opens and Alfred comes running into the room KING ALFRED Willis!... Willis! Camilla has left the castle! Willis!!! WHERE ARE YOU? I need you! WILLIS I'm right here, your majesty. KING ALFRED (startled) Oh! Don't sneak up on me Willis! WILLIS Yes, your majesty. KING ALFRED Your footsteps are far too quiet. In the future, please wear one of those little cat collars with a bell. WILLIS (long suffering sigh) Yes, sire. KING ALFRED Hm. Where was I? WILLIS The princess, sire. KING ALFRED Oh, of course. She's gone, Willis! Gone! WILLIS I believe she left the castle to join the Companions of the Root on their journey. KING ALFRED She what?! But I told her not to! WILLIS You did indeed, sire. KING ALFRED And she ignored me?! WILLIS It would seem so, sire. KING ALFRED But... but...! I commanded her not to! I'm the KING, she has to do what I say. WILLIS Of course, sire. As you say. KING ALFRED And it's dangerous outside of the castle grounds! What if she sees a peasant? They are the worst. WILLIS They are entirely too pathetic, your majesty. KING ALFRED You know I think they catch plagues just to spite me. WILLIS That sounds likely, sire. KING ALFRED She's gotten too headstrong. Where did I go wrong? WILLIS It's difficult to pin it on one particular instance, sire. There are so very many. KING ALFRED Perhaps I should have let her keep her dragon? WILLIS Perhaps. Though the servants were a bit... distracted by their co-workers being stalked and disemboweled in the hallways, sire. KING ALFRED And all that blood was starting to stain the upstairs tapestries. It was embarrassing when we had guests. Jeffrey doesn't have blood-stained tapestries. WILLIS As you say, sire. If you would permit me, do you wish to have her returned? KING ALFRED The dragon? WILLIS Her highness, sire. KING ALFRED Oh. Yeah, I guess, whatever. WILLIS Whom shall I send for? KING ALFRED Willis, this is a job for my best knight! Bring me Lord Peerless the Exceptional! SCENE 3. EXT. A VALLEY IN THE FAERIE PLANE. Strangle bells ring in the air. FAENDYR You want to eat me? FAERIE 1 Oh, yes! DORA FAERIE Very much! FAENDYR And that's not like some weird faerie thing? You want to actually kill me, cook my body parts, and then eat my flesh? FAERIE 1 Oh no! There must be some mistake. GILBERT Thank the gods! FAERIE 1 We're not going to cook you! We will consume your flesh raw, of course. FAENDYR Oh, "Of course." Fantastic. GILBERT Excuse me, little faerie... (she giggles) please don't touch me. DORA FAERIE I like you. GILBERT Oh gods. Okay. Just... let go of my leg. Please? FAERIE 2 Come, come, friends! We'll take you to the kitchens. FAENDYR Waitwaitwait! I demand parley! FAERIES (chittering among themselves) Parsley? / Why does it want parsley? / Isn't that a plant? FAENDYR Par''ley''! I am an Elven Prince. My family has ruled over the Imperium for thousands of years. I demand you bring me to your Queen! ALL FAERIES Oooooooh! SCENE 4. INT. TOWN HALL OF RIPPLING BROOK. SOUND: A BELL RINGS, villagers TALK among themselves. '' CAMILLA Greetings... You! Stop ringing that bell! ''They stop. CAMILLA Oh thank the gods. Greetings, inhabitants of Rippling Spring-- VILLAGER 1 Rippling Brook! CAMILLA Whatever. It is I, your Queen. VILLAGER 1 Queen? VILLAGER 2 I thought we had a king? VILLAGER 1 Did he die? BARD Not yet. CAMILLA I am the Crown Princess Camilla, heir to the throne of Kirkland. I have blessed your village with my patronage. You are now my vassals. I accept your thanks. VILLAGER 3 Thanks for what? BARD I have to say, this is going better than I thought it would. CAMILLA I am on a vitally important quest. However, coming across your village in my travels, I have decided to delay my plans. Under my leadership, this village shall transform from a dull place where dreams go to die, into a quaint and bucolic village that will be the envy of the kingdom. HEAD VILLAGER I really think we should clear this with Lord Peerless-- CAMILLA Forget Peerless. VILLAGER 2 But when we had that famine two years ago he personally brought us food from his own pantries to keep us alive. CHILD VILLAGER He got my cat Fluffkins out of a tree! FLUFFIKNIS Meow. HEAD VILLAGER And that time-- CAMILLA Forget Lord Peerless! We shall begin by repainting -- SOUND: The DOOR SLAMS OPEN ANXIOUS VILLAGER Sir! HEAD VILLAGER What is it? ANXIOUS VILLAGER A band of mercenaries is coming this way! ALL VILLAGERS (concerned murmuring) CAMILLA I am your queen, you will provide all updates to me. ANXIOUS VILLAGER Uh... A band of mercenaries is coming this way... um, your majesty. They appear to all be orcs. And they're heavily armed. VILLAGERS (more concerned murmuring) VILLAGER 1 Oh no! Not orcs! CAMILLA This sounds problematic. HEAD VILLAGER You think? CAMILLA Yes, I think. Ready the militia. VILLAGER 3 We don't have a militia. CAMILLA You don't have a militia?! HEAD VILLAGER We're a small, inconsequential village and there hasn't been a war in over a generation. VILLAGER 2 The War of the Trance Worm! CAMILLA Yes, I know what the last war was. HEAD VILLAGER Why would we waste time training when we could be farming? CAMILLA You do it in the winter when there's no planting or harvesting going on, you sentient floorboard! HEAD VILLAGER (deeply offended) We make artisanal cheeses during the winter! CAMILLA Oh for f-- foot's sake. Do you have anything that can be used as weapons? VILLAGER 1 Weapons...? CAMILLA Yes, weapons! Any swords or... pointy sticks? VILLAGER 2 We have shovels. VILLAGERS (mutters of agreement) CAMILLA Oh gods. Yes, fine. Go get me a shovel. And you better pray to whatever lower-pantheon god or river-spirit who looks over this hovel. ANXIOUS VILLAGER That would be Barthol-- CAMILLA I don't care who it is! Just. DO. IT! SCENE 5. INT. CASTLE. THRONE ROOM. PEERLESS Your majesty! You sent for me? KING ALFRED You arrived very quickly, Lord Peerless. With almost superhuman speed, I must say! PEERLESS I am ever at your service, my king. KING ALFRED Now this guy, Willis, he ''knows how to serve his king. WILLIS (resentful) Yes, sire. PEERLESS My king is too kind. I am but your humble servant. KING ALFRED (laughing) And some day my son-in-law! PEERLESS (laughing) Some day soon, I hope! KING ALFRED AND PEERLESS (laughing) KING ALFRED (laughing turns awkward) Haha, yeah... Um, anyway. Speaking of your future marriage, your bird has flown the coop, so to speak. PEERLESS The Princess Camilla? My betrothed! Nooooooooo- KING ALFRED Oh dear. It's okay. PEERLESS oooooooooooooooo! Oh, Betroathed! (clears his throat then contines as if his previous outburst hadn't happened) PEERLESS I will personally slaughter anyone who has laid hands upon her! Where has she been taken? KING ALFRED Well, she hasn't been ''taken, per se. She ran away. PEERLESS With all due respect to your majesty, a jewel as precious and beautiful as the crown princess must be kept under lock and key. KING ALFRED Yeah, well, you know. Princesses, what are you going to do? PEERLESS When we are wed, I shall keep her under my supervision at all times. She will never leave the castle- nay, her rooms- without my permission. No one shall lay eyes on her without first going through me. KING ALFRED And I'm sure she'll love that. But let's not put the royal carriage before the royal horse. Lord Peerless, I need you to return Princess Camilla to me. PEERLESS It will be my greatest honor, my king.I will brave any peril to bring my betrothed back under our watchful eye. I will cross any river, conquer any mountain and crush any one and any thing that stands between us. KING ALFRED (yikes) That's... great. Willis? WILLIS She was likely following Sir-- PEERLESS No no, don't tell me! It's more enjoyable of a hunt for me if you don't tell me where my prey has flown. Your majesty, I will take my humble leave. Rest assured, the princess will be returned to you posthaste. Peerless strides out KING ALFRED Okay, bye bye, see you later! The DOORS CLOSE KING ALFRED Oh, what a guy... WILLIS Yes, sire. SCENE 6. EXT. THE FAERIE COURT. A manic, laughing party in the distance, but with a creepy, otherworldly quality. GILBERT You're Imperium royalty? FAENDYR Um, sort of. GILBERT What are you doing working for King Alfred-- FAENDYR It's a long story. FAERIE 1 My Queen! Our dinner requires parsley! FAERIE QUEEN Why do you interrupt our revels? FAERIE 1 Our dinner has demanded parsley. GILBERT Oh my gods. FAENDYR PAR-''LEY''!! FAERIE QUEEN Why is there a human with our dinner? GILBERT To be honest I have no idea. DORA FAERIE He's my friend. FAERIE QUEEN What is your name? GILBERT Um. Beargil. FAERIE QUEEN Fascinating, is that Elven? FAENDYR Oh for the gods' sakes. GILBERT I believe it is. FAERIE QUEEN Beargil, is that a talisman? GILBERT Pardon? FAERIE QUEEN That small stick in a holster around your neck. Does it protect you from the unfailing gaze of the punishing moons? GILBERT Oh. Um, it's a root actually. It's kind of a long story. Just curious, can you undo a spell that turned a human into a root? FAERIE QUEEN No. GILBERT Oh, okay, nevermind. FAERIE QUEEN We could turn the root into a fish, if you desire. GILBERT Oh no no that would be even less convenient, it's fine. Sorry to bother you. FAENDYR Fantastic, so glad that's worked out. Are we going to parley or what? FAERIE QUEEN Very well, elf. We grant you parley. Say what you will. You are to be the main dish for our feast under the full moons this eve. It is a great honor. The greatest honor that can be bestowed in our realms, in fact. FAENDYR Oh, and I am super honored. But I'm afraid you can't eat me. I am an Elven Prince of the Imperium. Killing me would provoke an interdimensional incident as not seen since the Demon War. ALL FAERIES Ooooh. FAENDYR My people have magicks, Fae. They will hunt you through all thirteen dimensions if any harm comes to me. Besides, I'm probably really stringy. Also gamey too, I bet. DORA FAERIE I like gamey meat! FAERIE QUEEN Very well, elf. We have no desire to cause war between our peoples. We shall make other... preparations for our feast. Now leave us to our revels before we change our minds. ALL FAERIES Aw, man / But I'm hungry! DORA FAERIE Wait, Beargil! Before you go... I want you to have this. It's my favorite mummified finger. GILBERT (gross) Oh, um, that's great. Thank you. ALL FAERIES (evil laughter) FAENDYR (duh) Don't thank them! That's ''the third one! I ''knew ''there was a third rule. GILBERT Wait, what? FAERIE QUEEN Beargil, you now owe us. GILBERT I do? FAERIE QUEEN We may not be able to eat your royal elven friend, but in return for your thanks, you will spend the rest of eternity here by our side. GILBERT That's a bit much, I just didn't want to hurt her feelings. FAERIE QUEEN We do not have "feelings." And look around you. There's a half horse, half orc making cupcakes with a skeleton. You were brought here because we wanted to eat your companion. This whole place is a "bit much." FAENDYR And that orc-horse is ''jacked. ORC-HORSE *a very deep, manly neigh* FAENDYR How much can you press? GILBERT I'm sorry-- wait, can I say I'm sorry? FAENDYR Oh. Mmmmmm... Lemme check... Sound: Faendyr gets out a book. Paper flipping FAENDYR Yeah, you're good. GILBERT You had a book the whole time and you couldn't look up the third rule? FAENDYR I got nervous and I forgot about it, okay? GILBERT Oh my gods. Sorry. Majestic and completely fair and not all that rash Queen, my apologies. Being a stranger in your lands I am not fully aware of your customs and the implications of my completely innocuous words. FAERIE QUEEN You seek to sway our decision. Unlike in your mortal lands, here in the Seelie Court every action you take has consequences. And we do not steer course from our traditions. GILBERT Your majesty-- FAERIE QUEEN Silence, human! We are not finished. We may not be merciful, but we are not... inflexible. We cannot break the rules that govern our Court, but we may, perhaps, bend them. Let us offer you an exchange. A life for a life? ALL FAERIES (chanting) Life for a life! Life for a life! GILBERT Hang on! Time out. FAERIE QUEEN You may take a moment to consider, but remember, time moves differently in this realm. GILBERT (sotto) I don't want to stay here, F-- uh, Gil. FAENDYR (sotto) Fantastic, great, then just say yes! GILBERT (sotto) But I don't want to kill an innocent Faerie or whatever weird, evil thing they want me to do so we can leave. FAENDYR (sotto) You kill people for a living. GILBERT (sotto) I protect the kingdom for a living! FAENDYR (sotto) By killing people! DORA FAERIE Your skin is sooo soft. It will make a lovely mask. FAENDYR Okay that's it. (loudly) We accept! FAERIE QUEEN (evil laugh) Wonderful! Colin! Come here. COLIN Here? FAERIE QUEEN No. HERE. Where we are. COLIN (further away) Here? FAERIE QUEEN HERE. HERE! Over... no, forget it, that's fine. Bear-- COLIN (uncomfortably close) Here? FAERIE QUEEN YES! COLIN Hail and well met, friends! FAENDYR Hey. GILBERT Um, hi. FAERIE QUEEN Beargil, in exchange for your life, you must take that of the human child, Colin. COLIN Oooooh! GILBERT You want me to kill a child?! FAERIE QUEEN We may be a monster, but by the moons, no! We fae often... borrow ''mortal children to amuse our court. However, Colin has caused much trouble since he arrived, and we are unable to return him to his family. We ask that you take charge of him. GILBERT Um, sorry, but we're actually in the middle of a quest? And that's a lot of responsibility. FAENDYR Are you sure you don't want us to just kill him? GILBERT Faen-- uh, Gil! COLIN That's fair, I ''am a lot of responsibility. FAERIE QUEEN That seems a bit, as Beargil says, "much," but we are unfamiliar with the ways of the Mortal Realm and frankly, you may do as you wish with the child when you are no longer in our court. FAENDYR You could always just eat him instead. FAERIE QUEEN Eat... a child?! We do not eat children... they are unripe! What a thing to suggest! FAENDYR Ewwwww. SCENE 7. RIPPLING BROOK. EXT. Outside again, same environment as before, but with the addition of approaching, armored marching (band of 8 orcs) and clanking weapons. The villagers make worried noises. HEAD VILLAGER (to villagers) Now calm down everyone. Maybe they're just here to visit. Not all orcs are violent, you know. VILLAGER 1 Why are they heavily armored then? VILLAGER 2 And they have their weapons drawn. HEAD VILLAGER Maybe they're LARPing. CAMILLA You are an idiot. CAMILLA Orcs! The marching has stopped. They are confused. '' Yes! You! I-- OLFGA Why is small soft human standing in way of Olfga? Olfga has business. CAMILLA Well, I demand that you stop your business. OLFGA Why soft human have shovel? CAMILLA It's a dangerous weapon. OLFGA Is shovel, for moving dirt. Like when Olfga crush weak human's body and need to hide corpse underground so smell of decomposing flesh not attract dragons. CAMILLA I could still hurt you with it. OLFGA Olfga is amused by small human's... how you say? Pluck. CAMILLA Thank you very much. But I demand you tell me what your business is in my village. OLFGA Olfga is head of orc mercenary band. You see my seven, strong, handsome boys? ORC BOYS *grumble* CAMILLA It would be difficult to miss your exceptionally large and very capable-looking... boys. BARD Oi. 'Sup. ORC BOYS *grumble* OLFGA Olfga and boys come all the way from Navakinsk to complete job in dwarf lands. CAMILLA The Sunken Kingdom? OLFGA Is no other dwarf lands in Ilsylian, so yes. CAMILLA ''I know that. I'm providing context for the audience. No need to be snippy. BARD World-building is really challenging in an audio-only format. OLFGA But Olfga and boys have problem. Dwarves will not let strong, beautiful Navakinski orcs into their lands. BARD (sarcastic) What? Why?? CAMILLA Bard? BARD Yes? CAMILLA Shut up. I know the Sunken Kingdom and Navakinsk have an adversarial history, but that's a bit xenophobic, I must say. OLFGA Olfga has accepted that these northern kingdoms are backward and behind times. ORC BOYS *agreement* OFLGA Not like pluralistic and democratic orc societies. But Olfga digress. HEAD VILLAGER If you're headed to the Sunken Kingdom, why are you in our village? The closest entrance is accessed by the King's Road. I'm afraid you've gone out of your way. OLFGA Olfga glad you bring that up. Olfga and boys need to kidnap some small, soft humans. SCENE 8. INT. DANCING DONKEY. The same tavern as in episode 1. Sounds of a few customers. From inside, we hear a HORSE approach and come to a stop, followed by someone dismounting. Then, the DOOR OPENS. BARKEEP Oh, Lord Peerless! Welcome to the Inn of the Dancing Donkey! PATRONS Lord Peerless! Hail, Lord Peerless! (etc) DANIEL VILLAGER I like him more than a friend! PEERLESS Greetings, Barkeep. Filthy peasants. PATRON (delighted) He noticed us! BARKEEP To what do we owe the honor, my lord? What drink may I get you? On the house, of course. LORD PEERLESS Sorry, Barkeep. I'm tracking wayward quarry today. BARKEEP Ah. Of course. Say no more, I'll leave you to it. PATRONS *excited murmuring* BARKEEP Shhh! Let the man work! LORD PEERLESS Hmm... she was ''here. There is her delicate boot-print. Yes, Sir Gilbert and... that attractive elf mage were also here, I can feel it. There was a great discussion. She was disguised... poorly... as a barmaid! And this- PATRON 2 Hey that's me drink. LORD PEERLESS *sniff sniff* this was the tankard from which she drank. They discussed... something. She convinced them. And then they left... together! Headed to the half-elf witch Gwendolyn, no doubt. PATRONS (Clapping) PATRON 3 He's good, he is! BARKEEP Spot on, as always, my lord! You have an almost superhuman talent for that sort of thing, I must say. SIR PEERLESS (charming) Yes, I am very good. BARKEEP But I could have just told you her royal highness and her companions had been here. LORD PEERLESS (winning laugh) But where's the fun in that? SOUND: COIN FLIP LORD PEERLESS Keep the change! SOUND: DOOR OPEN, CLOSE. Peerless rides off. BARKEEP How can it be change if he didn't buy anything? '''SCENE 9'. EXT. RIPPLING BROOK SOUND: Same as before. CAMILLA You need to what? OLFGA Need to kidnap humans. ORC BOYS *eager orc noises* VILLAGERS *worried noises* OLFGA Dwarves will not let band of strong beautiful orcs into Kingdom alone.But with some soft weak humans as decoy, dwarves will let Olfga and boys in. HEAD VILLAGER But what if we don't want to come with you? OLFGA Olfga not force you. HEAD VILLAGER Oh. Thank you. VILLAGERS *relieved noises* ANXIOUS VILLAGER Thank Bartholomew! OLFGA But if some don't come, Olfga personally break limbs of every village inhabitant like little dry twigs. VILLAGERS *concerned noises* ANXIOUS VILLAGER I take it back! HEAD VILLAGER That sounds fair. CAMILLA No, it doesn't! You can't come marching into this village and demand we do what you say. HEAD VILLAGER Look who's talking... CAMILLA As your queen I demand you shut your mouth, you absolute barndoor. HEAD VILLAGER Case in point. OLFGA Why you say small female is queen? CAMILLA Uh... HEAD VILLAGER She's the crown princess. CAMILLA I am not. HEAD VILLAGER Yes! She is! Look at her clothes! CAMILLA I am but a well-dressed peasant girl. BARD Do you have a gold sovereign? OLFGA Yes?... BARD I'd take a gander at it if I were you. SOUND: Olfga gets out a coin purse. Coins clinking as: CAMILLA Whose side are you on? BARD You know, that's a good question actually. I've been asking myself where I really see myself in life. I think I'm more of a chaotic neutral type if I'm being honest with myself. OLFGA Oh! It look just like her! Even has big nose! CAMILLA It's an unflattering angle! OLFGA Olfga and boys take small human princess now! BARD It seems that the Princess has gotten herself into a bit of pickle! Can she demand her way out of this one? CAMILLA Oh shut up, you. BARD And will Gilbert and Faendyr... I mean Beargil and uh, Gil- ever escape the clutches of the ravenous faeries? Find out next time on...THE ADVENTURES OF SIR RODNEY THE ROOT! CREDITS Lena The Adventures of Sir Rodney the Root is a production of Talking Fish Podcasts. This episode featured the voices of Michael Silver, Daniel Johnston, Lena Winter, Michael Reilly, Yasmin Tuazon, Andrew Quilpa, Brian Lyons Burke, David Dubov, Tom Howley, Jenny Oberholtzer and Courtney Branch. Our producers are Michael Reilly, Lena Winter, and Laura Zheng. Connect with us on social media at TalkingFishCast, or visit our website for more show information at talkingfishpodcasts.com. This show was made possible by our Kickstarter backers and Patreon supports. Support the show at Patreon.com/TalkingFish BLOOPER LENA (in the background) Change my page. So we just need.... REILLY (singing) We're eating humans -- (Andrew snorts, then joins in) gonna have some meat LENA Okay that's right, this is what we need. Do you know, do you have-- Oh no, you're busy REILLY befor the night is through..... Sorry what? END OF EPISODE